The Myth of Self-Regulation: 5 Things We Are Missing
The Myth of Self-Regulation: 5 Things We Are Missing
An Autumn Rest Note on co-regulation, collective rage, and the power of returning to Yin.
I have something to say about self-regulation, and it's gonna be an unpopular opinion.
I think self-regulation is a myth.
And this is coming from an occupational therapist, yoga teacher, and self-care coach who has spent most of her clinical career teaching individuals and groups the life skills of self-regulation. Ha!
Hear me out. These are important skills! I've witnessed how transformative and validating it can be for someone to understand their body, nervous system, and sensory needs. I continue to teach these skills to my clients, my children, and practice them myself.
But there's something significant missing from the current wellness conversation.
We are a co-regulating species.
And I wonder if we've become so focused on learning how to manage ourselves that we've forgotten how essential we are to one another.
1. Self-regulation begins with co-regulation.
We begin life with a nervous system that depends on our caregivers. Our heart rate, breathing, stress responses, and sense of safety are influenced by the people who hold us. And those relationships and experiences continue shaping our nervous systems throughout our lives.
But somewhere along the way, many of us are expected to manage ourselves in a chaotic and dysregulated world.
So we learn the skills. We do the yoga. We go to therapy. We take the supplements. We listen to the podcasts. We do ALL the self-care things, and somehow, it still doesn't feel like quite enough.
Maybe because we were never designed to do it all alone.
2. Individualism isn't the same as well-being.
Somewhere along the line, we've been fed the myth that individualism is superior. That we're 100% responsible for our own regulation, and if we're struggling, we've somehow failed.
And is there personal responsibility? Absolutely.
But here's where I think some of the greatest injustice lies.
So many people don't have access to safe relationships, supportive communities, or even the natural world. The very things we need for our well-being. And then we're told to take responsibility for our own healing, as if we're doing something wrong when we struggle.
Maybe it's not just individuals who need to learn how to regulate. Maybe it's our communities, our systems, and our relationship with the Earth that need some tending to as well.
3. We are connected to more than just other humans.
I believe we are connected to all living things. Plants, animals, trees, water, Earth. In Eastern philosophy and energy traditions, we speak of Qi or Prana, the universal life force that connects life to life.
Some call it Spirit. Some call it energy. Some call it light or love. Call it what you want, but I know you can feel it.
This is why I believe returning to Mother Earth can be so restorative. She receives and transforms. Through earth and decomposition, fire and transformation, water and nourishment, wind and change. She holds both Yin and Yang, continually seeking balance through her seasons and cycles.
Maybe that's why we find ourselves drawn to the trees, tending to our houseplants, cuddling our animals, or digging in the garden when life feels overwhelming.
There's something about returning to the Earth that helps us return to ourselves.
4. Co-regulation requires reciprocity.
This is why I think our monthly Yoga & Sound has become such a sacred ritual for those who attend and keep returning.
It's something unspoken that we can't quite put our finger on, but we hold it deeply sacred, with gratitude for one another.
And it's not just because Makiyah and I are awesome. (Wink.)
In yoga, we say it's the teaching, not the teacher. But in this situation, I think it's the whole room of people. It's what we've co-created together.
The same goes for my other offerings. Over time, they become more than movement or self-care practices. They become communities. And that requires repetition, return, and reciprocity.
Healthy co-regulation includes reciprocity.
It's a gentle offering from a place of abundance and the surrender to receive from a place of gratitude.
As someone who holds these spaces, I keep coming back because I'm receiving, too. That's what makes it sustainable.
5. Returning to Yin isn't turning away from injustice.
And right now, the Yang energy is HIGH.
Our planet is suffering. Our people are suffering. Our bodies, minds, and spirits are suffering. Collective rage is communicating that something is terribly out of balance.
Can you feel it? I sure can.
I've been feeling myself pulled into that rage and injustice lately. But I remember that anger is information. It tells us when something is out of alignment, out of balance, or unjust.
And maybe that's why I'm feeling such a strong pull toward Yin right now.
Not because I want to quiet the rage, but because I need somewhere to hold it without letting it consume me.
Maybe another season of life I'll mount my warrior horse and ride off with vengeance for justice for all. I do have fantasies of this. Maybe I was a Viking in a past life. Ha!
But right now, I'm a mother of three, working, tending to my nest at home, and holding space for my community of rest and peace seekers.
My call to action is to restore myself so I have the capacity to respond to injustice in an intentional way, without becoming so depleted that I can't care for myself or those who depend on me.
Returning to Yin isn't about turning away from injustice. It's about restoring ourselves so we have the capacity to respond to it.
And maybe that's part of how we begin creating change without losing ourselves in the process.
An invitation to return
Maybe your invitation this autumn is simply to return to the healing routines that reconnect you with yourself and the world around you.
A walk in the woods. A belly laugh with a friend. Cuddling your pet. Dancing at a concert. Volunteering. Tending to your garden. Or gathering with others in a yoga class, a Rest Nest, or a Yoga & Sound Immersion.
My upcoming Restoring Peace Through Yin series will explore these energies more deeply, and my one-to-one restorative sessions and coaching offer another space to reconnect and find balance.
But you don't need to purchase anything to begin.
Nature is, and should be, free and accessible to everyone. So should opportunities for safe connection and belonging.
And one more thought about reciprocity.
If the Earth is holding us, how can we tend to her? How can we tend to our communities, our loved ones, or even a stranger?
Maybe reciprocity is the part we've been missing. Not just learning how to receive support, but remembering that we're part of something worth tending to.
And perhaps most importantly, how can you tend to yourself?
Namaste.
Kinzie.
An invitation to tend to yourself through a FREE GUIDED MEDITATION - Returning to Yin - waiting for you in The Rest LIbrary